They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb
by the word of their testimony;
they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.
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My testimony is laced with words from scripture and stories of God’s power. Words like overcame, power, victory, freedom and healing are all apart of my life. But my path also contains the words struggles and failures again and again, therefore the realities of my short comings also show up in my story. So to redeem my testimony, to make it a Christian success story, the focus will rightfully need to be on our Father God and our Lord Jesus Christ and their grace, mercy and love for me.
I lived in two worlds; my world where I would socially interact with my family and friends and classmates…and a life of secrecy which was consumed with lust, and masturbation. As I look back on it I realize that I became a master at keeping this other world hidden from those around me.
It is important at this point to note my orientation so that God maybe glorified. From early on, I always remember being attracted to men. God knew all of what you just read about me and just the same He said; “No matter what, Michael, I want you as my son.”
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As a teenager I was a loner and had very few friends. Because of my private world which only one or two other guys knew about, I mainly cultivated my sexual fantasies through lusting and on occasion pornography. Connecting with another guy sexually seldom happened. But I was consumed with lust; I was addicted. I maintained an image at school. I had girlfriends, but they never had my heart. I was incapable of true intimacy because I was paralyzed with severe rejection issues and great fear of anyone having authority over me. Getting drunk on lust is how I coped with reality, how I dealt with shame, and how I dealt with self hatred. I couldn’t see myself beyond my homosexual orientation. I believed it was the center of who I was.
Shortly after High School, I joined the Navy and kept my double life alive. I was accustomed to this life and knew no other, and even enjoyed the insanity. After the Navy, I moved to Hawaii, and heard a story about Christians living on a nearby island. I found myself wanting to connect with these Christians. Keep in mind, I had not altered any of my issues in my life; they were all still very much alive.
Almost immediately, I traveled to this island and found these Christians. I started attending their church. I told them of my homosexual orientation, and they tried delivering me. In many personal testimonies, people seem to have been hit by a bolt of lightening–a quick radical transformation of that person’s life. Does God do this? Yes! Did He do it that way for me? No! My lusting, my homosexuality, the drinking and drugs and smoking continued. In my case it was not some evil spirit — it was me, my flesh. They failed in their attempt of delivering me, but Jesus had a beachhead in my heart, and He does not believe in retreating!
These Hawaiian believers did love God and that is what attracted me to them. They also loved me. Sitting under anointed bible teaching, I became aware that my sexual addiction was sin and that Jesus hated all sin. Some of those Christians helped Jesus hate sin, especially my homosexuality. They wanted me to become “healed” of it with the end result being I would emerge a heterosexual. Those encounters were not easy.
As I said earlier, I greatly feared leaders — especially the pastors of this church community. I once remember going out and sinning sexually. I returned to the church and was quite open about what I had just done. There were church leaders who wanted to kick me out. But this one pastor did something that was vital to my walk with the Lord; He took me out to breakfast and just loved me. I stayed at this fellowship because of those who showed me love.
From Hawaii, I moved to Colorado to join my brother in his plumbing business. I also joined a wonderful, small church. Once again God had placed me in a community of people who showed me His truth, grace and love. It was during this time that I stopped acting out sexually with other guys. After an encounter with a guy, I sank into a 6 week depression. It was like God saying to me “no more.” I knew every time I would privately ask God to forgive me or if I chose to open up to a brother in Christ, I knew I was forgiven. But I was learning to face the consequences of sinning. My God always removed the guilt from me — whenever I confessed my sin to Him at the cross of Jesus, but the consequences, those were another matter. The consequence for me ,was living in a never ending cycle of self-hatred and shame. I now look back at this time and am amazed at the patience of our God towards me – I did not deserve it but I am eternally grateful to Him for it.
Through a series of what seem to have been divine events, I traveled to Europe in 1980. Being a plumber, I was invited to join an organization called Youth With A Mission (YWAM.) I found myself with 65 passionate, committed young people as they renovated a building in Amsterdam. Through the work and the Christian community, I was once again immersed in a great vat of God’s Love. But this time, right out the front door was my other utopia–the Red Light District. I was in great conflict.
I attended daily bible studies with praise and worship and wonderful fellowship. Yet, as I said right out the door was this Red Light District. The pornography was displayed in store front windows. You did not have to go into the shops; it was everywhere. My two worlds were colliding, but God’s grace was also upon me. I never fell, and it was because of the love I received there.
While in Europe, I was also corresponding with a girl I had met on my way there. I had no intention of going further than it being just a friendship, but God had other plans. My future wife, Pat, had then and has now a great love for God (which was the first reason I was attracted to her), and she was also a psychiatric nurse for adolescents. It was working– she fit me perfectly. I went back and spent a year in the States, and we were married in 1982, before returning to Amsterdam.
We spent the first year of our marriage in the Red Light District. We had the grace of God on us while we were living there, and when His grace lifted, it was time to move. We stayed in Amsterdam for 10 years as part of that mission’s community. And remember that small church in Colorado? They took care of us financially for those 10 years.
Amazingly, the Christian community was present in the Red Light District. Yes, God had His people there. There are still some awesome Dutch ministries doing work there most Christians would not touch with a ten foot pole. For the reality is wherever there is darkness of any kind, if His Children are obedient to Him, His light will shine brighter.
Also a very important piece of my story is that through circumstances that I am convinced was God, in 1986, we adopted a 4 month old baby boy. I never intended to be married nor did the thought of being a father ever enter my mind, yet when we seek God, all good things will be added unto us, and I am eternally blessed and grateful for both my wife and my son.
It was during continued YWAM training that I started gaining understanding about my addictions. Whatever the topic was being taught about, I would adapt that material to my issues. I was growing in knowledge and understanding concerning my addictions. But it was “head knowledge,” and this knowledge was not affecting my heart and that was my problem. I knew in my head what was going on with me, but now, how to get it into my heart?
So we continued to serve God. In 1992 we relocated to Atlanta, Georgia and took over a small ministry helping Christians concerning the issue of homosexuality in their lives. I would work with the guys and Pat would work with the girls. For 10 years, every project we put our hand to was blessed by God. We would plan outreaches into the Gay community that were very effective. We were so successful the largest gay magazine in America did a six page spread on our ministry. We hosted several conferences and seminars on sexual purity. For six years we hosted a weekly TV program on a local Christian network.
My issues concerning lust and porn had greatly subsided to the point that I would have seasons where I would not have too much trouble with them. And then there would be times where I would almost question my salvation. But I never gave up; I never compromised. I would call sin-sin. And when I would fall into one of these sins, I would confess it to a brother in Christ whom I trusted and refocus on my God. I will go as far as to say I do not believe you can experience any breakthroughs without a healthy Christian community and one, two or three brothers in Christ that you can trust.
A major victory for me was the revelation of how my/our Heavenly Father views me/us. It was A. W. Tozer who said:
“We can never know who or what we are till we know at least something of what God is.”
This website is for all Christian men. This material is laid out irrespective of one’s sexual preference and is Christ-centered and biblically based. It is intended to help you properly address and resolve these heart issues of lust, masturbation and pornography of any kind. And it is to help you to become clean and pure before our Heavenly Father no matter what your expression of sin may be. I am totally convinced if you apply what is here you also will take control of your own sex drive.
I want to leave you with this scripture for this is my hope for you.
We will shout for joy when you are victorious
and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.
Blessings and Success
Your Brother in Christ
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